I always had this thought about sharing my experience about marriage and in spite of being internet savvy couples, I felt there is lots of ignorance and myth amongst the young generation. Also, there has been a lot of pressure on young men and women to look beautiful. Maybe the generation of porn and glamour has made us believe that. My answer initially was confined to about the issue of the tight foreskin in men which spoiled the game. But some of the inexperienced comments about virginity and hymen made me decide to write the complete kinds of stuff.
This is going to be a very long post which I am going to edit and extend over some days and it will be based on my experience. Many people have written about what Indian couples need to know before getting married from a social point of view. My answer will be based on the sexual point of view. Because I feel sex is the second most important thing in a marriage. I will also cover the psychological aspects but later on.
Whether its arranged or love marriage, initial few months are very important in a relationship. That’s the time which can make or break a relation or leave marks for the rest of your life. Dating a person and being married is a different thing. The take-off of a plane is very important. Once it’s in the air, it can be put on autopilot mode. Same way I will try to help you have this take off in an elegant and easy way. Again this information will be based on my personal experience.
Communication is the most important thing
love, respect, liking, understanding are all result of good communication. You might give your partner the best of sex but if you don’t communicate well then your marriage is in risk. Make sure you talk at least half an hour in a day outside the bedroom. If you talk in the bedroom there is a possibility you end up having sex. Would be great if you go for walk together. If you both are working then better you set up a time which you never miss to ensure that not a single day goes without you spending at least half an hour. Talk about anything like school, college, job, family, future, but talk. Way to women’s heart is communication.
Next important thing in the relationship is sex
Sex brings you closer both physically and emotionally. I will explain in some detail what aspects you need to keep in mind when having sex and how to make it much better. But before that let’s address some of the problems faced by couples and also some myths which are causing lots of pressure on young men and women.
let’s start by having some basic understanding of problems faced by some men which can make your initial sex life tense.
When I initially wrote this answer it was mainly to give women the knowledge about men’s organ so that they have a happy married life and don’t face frustrations which many women silently face. But based on the comments I realized many men are also ignorant about it. Hence I decided to go in depth about it. Hence this answer will be a bit longer than I wanted it to be. Everyone knows and talks about the pain women face when hymen ruptures on first-time intercourse but no one talks about the tremendous pain men can face if they are not prepared. Irrespective of whether you are a man or women do read it till the end. You will thank me for this.
Still, lots of Indian men and women have sex only after marriage. And I have seen many couples struggle with sex after marriage. Many times women have to wait for a month before the actual intercourse happens and some might even think that their husband is impotent. There are men who are not sure about how to use their penis in the right way and women who have no knowledge about a man’s genitals. My very best friend had to wait for a month to have intercourse.
Let men explain with an artistic image.
The penis is covered by foreskin. As seen in the second image it can be moved down till the head of the penis. Now when the penis is inserted in a vagina, the skin should be loose enough for it to go back and for the penis to be inserted easily in the vagina. Intercourse is not possible with the skin still covering the penis. During insertion, the skin will be naturally pulled back. If the skin is very tight then the pain caused in unbearable which will make the man not attempt intercourse. This pain is much more than the pain caused to women when the hymen ruptures.
How to loosen this skin:
Many men masturbate from an early age and they realize that this skin needs to pull back. Slowly and steadily this skin loosens up with their constant efforts to move it back.
But unfortunately, many men will masturbate with the skin still covering the penis by just holding their penis in the center and rubbing the penis a bit forward and back. And they end up with a tight skin on their wedding night and not able to perform.
A solution is to loosen up this skin before your marriage. Apply some gel on top of your penis and pull it back. It will be painful but with constant efforts, you will be able to pull the skin back.
When I was 17, I read somewhere that the skin moves back. I was worried when I found that I was unable to move the skin even half a cm back thinking that am abnormal. This made me visit a surgeon who gave me a gell to be applied on the tip. It took me a month of efforts to pull the skin back. So please be prepared before your marriage.
After my marriage, I was able to have intercourse without any pain on my end on the 1st day itself.
Though this is a man thing, women also need to understand this to avoid frustration after marriage. If you doubt, your man is facing difficulty having sex then the first thing you need to check is whether you can move his foreskin with your fingers.
Is there a magic gel which the doctor gave me to loosen my foreskin? No, any lubricant will do the job.
Many young men facing tight foreskin are asking me this question. No, it wasn’t a magic gell. It was 17 then and today am 29. Unlike today’s kids, those time the internet was very rare and I started masturbating at age of 17 when I was in 12th. For me masturbating was hold my penis and rubbing it till there is discharge. Please note that my foreskin was very much tight and I masturbated without moving the foreskin back and forth. And I guess many men masturbate by rubbing their penis and without pulling the foreskin up and down over the glands. This is the reason why even though all men masturbate, many end up entering marriage with a tight foreskin. Even I masturbated that way for around 2 years. Then I read somewhere the foreskin moves up down. I was very much worried about it though I didn’t know that it’s important to have sex. Whom to ask? We, men, may talk about sex at the deepest levels with our close friends but we never talk about our body and especially about our penis. I went to the doctor without informing my parents. He tried pulling my skin but because of pain, I was facing he stopped. He gave me the gel and told me to try pulling the skin. He said if it doesn’t then I will have to get operated. I was determined to get the foreskin back as I was not in a position to tell my parents about my penis as my parents never discussed sex and like most Indians, it was a private word. The gel was nothing but a basic lubricant and wasn’t of much use considering the fact that I could only put it in my tip. Any shampoo or aloe vera will do the same which will act as a lubricant. After trying to pull the skin for few days bit by bit, one night I pulled the skin half down. Believe me, it got the shit out of me. Such was the pain. But I was happy. For the next few days, I kept trying and trying and finally succeeded in pulling the foreskin completely down. Yes for first few days it wasn’t that easy to pull it down but after some time it was pretty easy to pull the foreskin down. Image if I had to get this done after marriage and the frustration my wife and I would have faced for days after our marriage.
Another problem I faced with sensitive glands below the foreskin.
As mentioned finally I was able to move the foreskin up and down. Marriage was a distant dream at 20 but I was happy that now I can perform. But I observed one problem. The pinkish glands below the foreskin were very sensitive. Not necessary it will be pink. It can be a bit brownish in some men. The color doesn’t matter. It was so sensitive that touching it with bare fingers used to feel like some needles being inserted in the glands. While masturbating even with lots of soap touching those glands with bare hands was not comfortable. Hence I always made sure to hold the penis below the glands when masturbating and move the hands up and down so that the foreskin moves up and down and the pleasure is received without touching the glands.
But worrying thing for me was that during intercourse the glands and the penis will move inside the vagina. Then how will it be possible with such sensitive and painful glands? I didn’t have much choice but to just ignore it.
After 6 years at age of 23, I got married. I had intercourse for the first time and didn’t feel any pain on the glands while inserting. The reason is that during intercourse both penis and vagina is well lubricated. And inside the vagina its the soft tissues which is very compatible with the soft glands of the penis. Their friction doesn’t cause any pain. In fact, the bit of sensitivity a man feels on the glands when inserting is something nice.
Below is the pic of the glands for illustration with foreskin completely moved back. Please note that the foreskin just moves back till the head/glans of the penis and rests behind the head.
Are men and women ignorant about it?
Yes a lot of them. More than we expect. In my life, I have seen couples think about the extent of getting a divorce. Also in our society women are not supposed to talk about the penis. In name of sex education, we are just taught about using protection to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. I am sharing a few incidents which made me believe this problem is more common than we expect.
There is an old answer where a man was suffering for 3 years in his marriage and his wife had no option but to leave. When we knew about the problem and rectified it, he asked his wife to come back and they both saved their marriage.
- I was talking to my cousin sis sometime back. We are quite free but never spoke on sex. That day while on the call we briefly spoke about it and she mentioned that her husband told her that men also face lots of pain on their first time. I knew what she was pointing at but kept quiet. Probably his skin might have pushed back after marriage and while trying for sex and hence that too much pain.
- One of my best friend after a few months of his marriage told me that it’s very difficult for men and for him it took around a month to have intercourse. He told that I will understand once I get married. Again we men don’t go in depth when it comes to talking about our body.
Is tight foreskin a problem in all men
All men don’t have this problem. But it’s not an uncommon problem. From my personal experience which I described above, I feel many men face this problem. Doctors term it as. Like its hymen in women, its foreskin in men. Like I mentioned, men don’t discuss their body and penis even with their close friends, hence this is unknown territory for me. If you are born with loose foreskin or you never had to take any efforts to pull your foreskin back then please comment.
Should I get rid of this foreskin? Answer is NO
Some may talk about circumcision which is a surgical procedure to remove the foreskin. Some may argue that it helps to clean the penis and hence no infection.
Still, my answer from personal experience will be no unless there is an issue where surgical treatment is the last option. But normally this should not require surgical treatment. Please consult your doctor if after months of sincere trying if your foreskin doesn’t move back. I am sure with a couple of weeks you should be able to move it back.
One need to understand that foreskin is not a problem. If someone has a tight foreskin then he needs to take some efforts to loosen it.
The foreskin is a natural and integral part of the penis and nature has given it for some purpose. Some of the reasons are
- Foreskin helps to keep the penis glands sensitive. Removing the skin will result in foreskin being exposed and rubbed against the underwear and over a period of time the sensitivity of the foreskin reduces. With less sensitivity in the glands, sex won’t be that fun.
- Masturbating involves moving the foreskin up and down on an erect penis till ejaculation. Now, this is not as pleasurable as sex but quite pleasurable. Without the foreskin, for me, masturbation will be meaningless.
- Foreskin acts as a protection layer to the delicate glands. Imagine the glands being rubbed upon by different kinds of underwear material and getting rashes.
- On a particular day when having sex, I insert the penis in the vagina with the foreskin covered. When the penis has inserted the friction to the vaginal wall automatically causes the foreskin to move back and rest behind the glands. This feeling for me is awesome.
I never faced any infection because of the foreskin. To be frank I never had the habit of pulling the foreskin up and cleaning while bathing. I only wash the foreskin after masturbation or sex. And earlier there was a time when I didn’t masturbate for a month which meant I didn’t clean the glands by pulling the foreskin up.
But it’s a good habit to pull your foreskin up and clean the glands every day when you bath like you wash other parts of the body. Once its a habit it should be easier. Please try this only after you are an adult. Someone mentioned in the comments that in kids this can cause complication. My answer is for adults and when I talk about pulling the skin back while bathing its meant only for adults. So let your foreskin stay and enjoy it which is an important part of your penis without which your sexual life will not be as pleasurable.
Pleasure points in men and as a woman what can you do to hit those pleasure points:
For all ladies out there, there are unfortunately very few pleasure points in men as compared to women.
- Nipples – this is similar to women. It’s highly tempting when its licked and bitten. Yes, we have small tits so not easy to bite. Don’t bite too hard that it will pain.
- Penis glans/head of penis behind the foreskin – Yes with all the discussion above, the most important pleasure point for us is the penis glands. The sensitive glands, when rubbed on the vaginal entry and on the clitoris, gives us some sort of pleasure. The more sensitive the glands the more will be the pleasure. Once inside the vagina, the glands do not feel that sensitive. The other thing which is very dear to us and also much more pleasurable is blowjob ( licking of the penis glands by a women’s tongue). I know many of you girls here will stop reading this answer the moment I said blowjob. Sex is considered a taboo and I am talking about a blowjob. Believe me, your husband will thank you for this. When the soft tongue rolls on our glands, the experience can’t be defined. This might be similar to what women feel when the clitoris is licked. If you think over it, a blowjob is not bad. A penis of a man is normally very clean. Give it a try and your man will be happy and return you the favor. If you are still uncomfortable then it’s your choice. And to all the men, please respect your wife’s choice and decision. You might get things by forcing or begging but it will only cause complications in the relation in long term.
Does the size of the penis matters:
What I have observed is most of the women’s pleasure points lie within inside around 2 inches of her vagina. So your size really doesn’t matter much. Again this is from my experience and observation. If you know how to play around in that 2 inches, you can satisfy any women.
Now that we have spoken enough about men, let’s focus on women.
Hymen and whether women will bleed on their first intercourse:
The hymen can vary from women to women and many women don’t have well-formed hymen which will result in she not bleeding on first-time intercourse. You might have heard that cycling can also cause the hymen to tear. Irrespective of all that, many women have hymen which covers a very small portion of their vaginal passage and it’s natural for them to not bleed.
One hymen which I can speak about is the one shown in the pic. Even though you can see the hymen, it’s like a ring which can be very flexible. So if a man inserts his finger, he will be able to insert the finger with some pain to her. If this goes on for few days or if he inserts his penis slowly over a period of days (considering that she is in pain and you want to loosen her hymen) then this flexible hymen won’t bleed. In fact for some women even though this ring like hymen is fully covering the vaginal passage, the hymen can so flexible here that it will not bleed even if you try to insert your penis at one go on the first night even though it may pain her a lot.
So when the penis is inserted, the hymen can be stretched apart or tore. If it’s torn it will bleed the same way as our tissues bleed. But if its stretched apart then even though it will cause lots of pain it won’t bleed. Now based on her tissue structure, your insertion force, how lubricated her vagina is, there is a very high chance it will stretch apart and not bleed. Now, men, it’s up to you how you want to go about this business. Just insert on the first night itself without proper foreplay and in her dry vagina ( many women are nervous on their first night hence they don’t get enough lubrication which is also the reason for bleeding) tearing her apart as if you are going to get a medal for that. Or you will understand your wife’s pain and if she feels the pain when you try to insert slowly, you will try again the next day? Within 3–4 days you might insert an inch and half of your penis in her vagina with proper foreplay (which causes lubrication) and which will result in her hymen being stretched and less pain. With over a period of days, she will start feeling less and less pain while having intercourse. Please note again that if her hymen structure is different and flexible then she might not bleed even if you insert roughly on the first night. So now that you know things, please don’t expect her to bleed and girls please don’t panic if you don’t bleed.
As a man, I would give credit to the man if your wife doesn’t bleed. That means you were gentle, had patience and understood the pain of your wife and took 3–4 days to slowly insert your penis bit by bit and in the process stretching her hymen rather than tearing her tissues. So be proud if you don’t make your wife bleed. Again if she bleeds, men please don’t feel guilty about it. As I mentioned it also depends on her hymen tissues.
First night bleeding is an overhyped topic. Even though there is a high possibility that women don’t bleed, we all want to believe that all women bleed. One of the reasons for this is that even if your best friends wife don’t bleed but he will never tell you the truth for the fear of you considering her non-virgin. Hence we have always believed that women bleed on their first night which is not right.
Hence don’t make a mess of it if your wife doesn’t bleed on her first-time intercourse. And even if she doesn’t bleed, if your family or relatives ask you whether she bleed or not, just tell them that she did bleed. It will be very hard for you to make them understand.
Though I have not seen it just heard that in some cultures they have a white cloth and in morning check whether the bride had bleeding or not. If that’s the case in your culture then be prepared and carry some blood in a syringe and pour it on that white cloth to satisfy your elders.
End of the day, it’s the love you share with your wife which is important and not the hymen.
Will your wife has a beautiful body as you have seen in porn?
Here men need to set their expectations right so that they don’t get disappointed after marriage. If you are engaged, you might keep thinking about your would-be wife’s body and since you have grown up seeing porn you might try to fit her face on a perfect body.
Lets set our expectations right:
Pic courtesy: Google
Most women have dark to very dark vaginas
Yes, most Indian women and quite a lot of westerners have dark vaginas. You might be engaged to a very fair woman but it’s a very high possibility that her vagina will be dark to very dark. Let’s accept the fact that we are brown to wheatish people. Also living in a humid country which results in lots of sweat in the vaginal area. Plus the vaginal hair and shaving might result in rough skin. Also, the monthly mensuration doesn’t do any good to the skin. Women are so much under pressure in this glamour world that many women feel nervous about their dark vaginas. But let’s accept the fact that most of the women have dark to very dark vaginas. So ladies, please be confident about your body and let’s not get trapped in this false glamour world. And it’s not necessary that she will have pink vaginal lips. Again its high possibility that she will have brown to dark vaginal lips.
In this part of the world, women have been taught from an early age to hide their vaginas. Its normal for a four-year-old boy to walk around naked but we tell our daughters to always cover up her vagina. This may not be wrong but it creates an impression from early childhood that they need to hide their vagina and never talk about it. Men grow up admiring and seeing their penis but for women its always the opposite. Hence some women may talk about breast with other women but they never talk about their vagina. Also, the position of the vagina is such that it’s not easy for women to see it unless they have that privacy and mirror where they can see it sitting in a certain position. More than the position of a vagina, its the secrecy we have created around the vagina makes women not think or talk about it. In fact, many women don’t care to see their vaginas. With nobody to talk about it, they feel that their vagina is not like other girls. Why is it so dark? Why doesn’t it look that beautiful? And this creates a sense of nervousness about their own body. But women you need to get the fact right that 99% of the women in this part of the world has dark to very dark vaginas. So please be confident about your body.
Men, all your life you have seen porn with laundry washed white vaginas with pinkish lips fake camera manipulated vaginas. So its difficult to get out of that dream. But please accept this fact that in the real world vaginas are dark and may not look as beautiful as your porn thing. But yes it will give you the pleasure which only your wife will be able to give you because of the bond and love you will share with each other.
Also, the penis of men is much darker as compared to their body. I am not covering that because for women that don’t matter, unlike men.
Will your wife have a great butt and breasts as you have seen in porn?
No. Its high possibility that she might have a butt which has some dark patches or dry skin similar to men. Many women have hairs on their butt. We sit on our butt almost 10–15 hours in a day with clothes on. Butt is the only area which never gets to breathe freely. And unlike our face, we never see our butt. So forget about that nice and cute butt which you have seen in porn films.
Also, the Breasts may not be the one which you see in porn.
Women look more beautiful in clothes or in fewer clothes. A naked woman is not as beautiful as in clothes. So don’t get disappointed when you see your wife naked 🙂 Your porn fantasies may come to an end. After all, she is your wife and you didn’t just married for sex but to love each other and create a family together. If you set your expectations right about a human body then your naked wife will look very beautiful. When you see a real woman naked then you realize the color of skin doesn’t matter. All women whether fair or dark look almost the same. The problem with porn is:
- We set the wrong expectations about a woman’s body.
- Too much porn may result in objectifying women which can be dangerous. If you start objectifying women then you will never really fall in love with a woman. Watching porn is not wrong and a single person has no other option but it needs to watch in limits.
Even with all the flaws in your women’s body still, you are going to have a great love and sex life if you accept the reality of the human body. Sex will be the starting point. But over a period of time, your love will mature from your body to your soul. Hence so many old people are still madly in love with each other because their love has crossed their bodily attraction.
Your husband is going to wake up with an erect penis:
You were not in the mood and tonight you didn’t feel like having sex. You both slept and in the morning you saw your husband’s penis erect. That made you a bit angry that he always has sex in his mind and that whenever you see his penis it’s erect. Yes, we do think about sex a lot but this case is different. Men wake up with an erect penis and the erection stays till we empty the bladder. There are few reasons for it and one of the reasons being the hormones are at a peak in the early morning. I won’t go deep into it but all I wanted to convey is that your husband might wake up with an erect penis and its normal. For the same reasons some women also wake up with a bit of moist vagina. This is the reason why morning sex feels so good. You are full of energy and I have observed the erection is much stronger.
Sex should be done in a gentle way
Again our education of having sex might come from porn films where the man just screws the women and the women enjoy every bit of it.
But in reality, sex is more pleasurable when done in a gentle way without any hurry with lots of foreplay before intercourse. Again the intercourse can be a bit gentle too. Women like it when men are gentle and when they admire each inch of their body and kisses it irrespective of how her body is. As I mentioned earlier, her body is not going to be perfect. Yes, you can go harsh on each other occasionally if you both like it but it should be an exception and not norm. If you are out of time then don’t have sex in a hurry. You can always do it the next day. Idea is that when you have sex make it memorable rather than hurrying into it which will just be an act. Its always better to talk to each other when having sex and maybe ask each other how they are feeling. You don’t have to go mute when having sex.
If she is giving you blowjob then that doesn’t mean she has to take your complete penis in her mouth. That may not be comfortable for her. Men’s sensitive area is in his penis glands. If she can take the glands in her mouth and lick it then that will be enough for her to excite you to the core. Please read my answer earlier where I described why men like a blowjob. Again if she has taken your penis in her mouth then don’t start moving it front and back like you are doing vaginal intercourse. She may not be comfortable with it. Just allow her to lick and play with it. The same way women like when their clitoris and nipples are licked. Go for it and give her fun.
Never do anal sex:
The anus doesn’t have the functionality of a vagina. There is no lubrication generated nor it has the tissues like a vagina. An anus is not for penile insertion. The only functionality of anus is to pass stool. I know some men force their wife to have anal sex. I feel its a great sin because this is going to be extremely painful for her and can cause health issues. If you love your wife even a bit then stop doing it. And girls please don’t allow your husband to do anal. As a man, if you force your wife for anal against her wish then I feel you don’t deserve to be called husband and wife.
Girls, please don’t feel awkward to like this answer. You need to come out of this glamour world and take less pressure in your body. My intention is not to get likes and comments but to spread this message which won’t be possible without upvotes.
Either I will continue here or may write another answer as this answer is becoming too big to cover the emotional aspects of marriage.